What Can the Brutal Scenes of Violence Against Women from "Game of Thrones" Teach Us?

The web has been a-buzz lately with disdain and anger toward the producers of the HBO series "Game of Thrones" depicting not once, but twice, a rape scene. The first was last year when Cersei was raped by her brother Jamie (with whom she had already conceived, presumably by choice, three other children). The debate primarily surrounded the question of why the producers felt the need to alter the scene from the books, where the encounter had been consensual as opposed to forced sexual assault where Cersei clearly was telling her brother, "no." It seemed unnecessary and gratuitous.

This past week, Sansa Stark was wedded to a ruthless, brutal, sadistic man, Ramsay Bolton. In a not so shocking turn of events (given what he's done to Theon throughout the series), Ramsay brutally rapes his new wife.

I'll be honest--I don't like the scenes. They disturb me on many levels.

But I may surprise when you I say I'm not angry at the producers for doing them - I'm angry at the fact that our response to this is to just say "boycott the show" rather than asking ourselves "how close to reality for women are these scenes, and is that why we're shocked and disturbed by them?"

I think part of what disturbs us most is that Game of Thrones operates in a world where violence against women is simply a part of the "culture." It makes many of us angry that a show would so blatantly and cavalierly toss these scenes in as simply part of the "every day" for these characters.

But the more disturbing question is: how many cultures exist in our world where this kind of thing is actually a reality? Even in America, we are seeing with the advent of social media a rising awareness of how common abuse against women - even seemingly "powerful" women - actually is. (And let us not forget that not all abuse is physical. Most of Joffery's abuse against Sansa earlier in the series was mental/emotional, but no less devastating).

As a pastor it never ceases to amaze me the number of women who come into my office and "confess" abuse they have suffered at the hands of a parent, spouse, significant other...or even a supervisor. Before I went into ministry, I truly had no idea how prevalent such violent and emotional abuse actually was. Now I think to not be in an abusive relationship of some sort (whether it be physical, mental and/or emotional) at some time in your life is the exception rather than the norm.

So as I ponder the debate that surrounds this criticism, I think our reaction to these scenes says more about what we want to shove under the rug and avoid as opposed to addressing the reality these scenes are depicting for many women across the world. Many say they're just "gratuitous scenes" that don't further the story line.

Um, ok. When is rape and domestic violence NOT gratuitous? When actually can you justify such a scene as a "necessary" plot device in real life? I don't think there's a woman out there in the middle of an abusive relationship that feels such behavior was "necessary" to move her story along.

People are angry because they feel Sansa is now a "strong" character and doesn't need to be victimized in this way. Well, I've got news for you. There are many strong women out there who find themselves in abusive situations and no matter how strong, intelligent or "powerful" they are, still have little recourse when it comes to escaping their abuser. Some abuse there simply is no protection against until it becomes a life-threatening situation. But many abusers are careful not to take it that far. In fact, many times, a woman doesn't even realize she's in the middle of an abusive situation until much later because it's far more subtle and just grows over time in such a way that one barely notices the shifts of power and manipulation that are occurring in a relationship.

People would probably be shocked if a "real" depiction of the Biblical stories were told in a way that highlighted the actual power structures at play. For instance, Hagar was a slave woman who had no real choice in what happened between her and Abraham. While we don't like to look at the story in this way, the truth is - Abraham raped her. She had no way to say no because she was a slave.

Dinah is raped - and the concern is not for the welfare of Dinah who is never given a voice, but is about how such a violation of Jacob's property will reflect upon the tribe. Thus vengeance is not so much about how emotionally and mentally devastating such an act would have been against the young woman, but is more about the "property rights" of the men. Rape was considered an affront against the father or the husband of the woman rather than a violent act against the woman herself.

Tamara, David's daughter, is also raped - by her brother - and the incident is completely ignored by her father. (Not so much by the other brother, but again, the story becomes less about the abused and violated woman and more about the power struggle that then arises between the two brothers).

As for David's relationship with Bathsheba? He's a king who decides he wants a beautiful woman - so he gets her. We have no clue whether Bathsheba said no, but it's rather irrelevant as the power structure was set up in such a way that saying no was probably not a viable option.

Thus, I think our problem with what Game of Thrones is laying out for us is (whether the producers intended this or not), it's saying something ABOUT us that we simply don't like. No, this kind of behavior SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED! (But then, there's a lot of behavior in that show that should not be tolerated, but again, reveals some sick and twisted realities of how people in power actually tend to operate.)

But it is tolerated. Every day. Even here in America. We tolerate it, we ignore it, and as women, we many times just try to find ways to "make it work" in a "man's world." That means we compromise at times things we don't feel we should have to, but we do it. We are conditioned to not even see misogyny when it happens because it is so "normative" for us. We are told to not make waves, to not make mountains out of mole hills, that for the sake of the company/church/institution, whatever we're part of, to just "let it go." When we run into a clearly sexist misogynist, excuses are made. "Oh, he comes from a different era." "Oh, that's just so-and-so being so-and-so."

No. That's what needs to stop. That's what needs to change.

Boycotting a show that unveils an ugly truth and reality about how our world operates in terms of gender inequality and violence against women is not really an answer that addresses the problem that makes such scenes so controversial and upsetting. I of course would NEVER recommend an abused woman ever watch those scenes or that show. PTSD is real and the anxieties that such scenes can trigger are not pretty.

Yet, in the world that Game of Thrones operates, such behavior is common - because it is common within so many of our cultures and our history as well. Perhaps that is the issue we need to be upset about and begin to look at more deeply and how do we effect a change? Yes, I'd love to see the show take a turn where they don't put up with that kind of abuse and degradation. Yet, that wouldn't be a reflection of what our actual reality is.

That's the part that saddens me, and the part that should disturb us most.